One of the most challenging parts of interpersonal dynamics is recognising how and why certain interactions with others can bring about a strong and uncomfortable response for us. Our reactions to other people’s behaviour, body language, communication style, personality and approach to work and tasks, can be shaped by a complex interplay of our own values, needs, identity, fears and memories. These factors not only influence our experience of conflict itself but also influence the way we think about and behave in moments of tension and difficulty.
By becoming aware and thinking about what ‘triggers’ a difficult response within us, we can gain helpful insight into our own thought patterns, conflict habits and behaviours opening a door for us to approach interpersonal difficulties in a meaningful, considered and conscious way.
Our values are deeply ingrained and influence our interpretation of the behavior of others. Our values shape our sense of what is acceptable, fair, just or expected and guide the way we interpret other people’s behaviors and communication. When another person’s behavior brings a difficult internal response, it may be because it compromises, challenges or otherwise dilutes values that are important to us – values we hold true.
For example, if fairness or justice is a core value, perceived injustice in the way something has been decided or a work allocation may give rise to a difficult internal response. Likewise, if self-sufficiency and independence are important values, varied management styles or perceived micro-managing behaviour may lead to conflict.
When fundamental psychological needs such as safety, security, love and belonging, a drive to feel respected and to live a purposeful life are compromised, it can create inner discomfort leading to interpersonal conflict or difficulty.
Understanding where our needs have not been met in a particular situation can be helpful. By acknowledging how another person’s behaviour has impacted us at a deeper level, we can consider how best to communicate with that person about what has caused us difficulty. Self-examination in this way also allows us to reflect on what is really important to us and review options for moving forward.
For instance, feeling ignored or disrespected in a professional setting may cause internal discomfort because it undermines a need for recognition. Similarly, feeling excluded can trigger reactive behaviours designed to protect one’s sense of belonging.
Our identity is the collection of roles, values, beliefs and experiences that shape how we see ourselves. It’s the story we tell ourselves about who we are, how others see us and what matters to us.
When the way we see ourselves is questioned or undermined, it can feel like a threat to our sense of stability and self-worth. This discomfort often comes from a gap between how we want to be seen and how we feel we are being perceived in the moment.
For example, if someone is publicly contradicted in a discussion about their area of expertise, they may feel their identity as a knowledgeable professional is being challenged. This perceived threat can provoke defensiveness or withdrawal, even if the differing opinion was not intended as an attack.
Fear is a powerful force in interpersonal conflict, making seemingly benign interactions feel threatening, heightening emotional reactions, and narrowing our perspective in ways that make it difficult to interpret others’ intentions openly or respond consciously.
A fear of rejection, for example, may cause someone to be hypersensitive to criticism or exclusion. Similarly, a fear of failure may provoke a defensive response when receiving feedback, making it difficult to engage in constructive dialogue.
Our past experiences, especially those charged with strong emotion, shape our internal responses to many situations. In conflict, scenarios that resemble previous challenges – such as rejection, criticism, or exclusion – can activate deeply ingrained patterns, triggering automatic and often subconscious reactions.
For example, someone who has felt marginalised in group settings may respond defensively when they sense exclusion, even if the current situation differs from the past. This reaction is the brain’s way of protecting itself from perceived threats, drawing on historical patterns for cues.
Understanding the role that values, needs, identity, fears and memory play in our internal reactions to others, allows us to engage with conflict more intentionally. Instead of allowing our automatic thoughts and behaviours to take over, we can pause and ask: What within me is being challenged? What is the story I am telling myself and how do I choose to respond to these thoughts?
By cultivating self-awareness and considering alternate perspectives, we can shift from instinctive reactivity to thoughtful engagement. With greater insight into our emotions, we are better able to consciously choose how we respond and how we make sense of the situation at hand. This shift enables more meaningful conversations, deepens connection and with time can transform our experience of conflict.
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Author: Kris Darmody