Conflict can feel unpredictable and overwhelming. One of the most common challenges I see when working with people in conflict is their frustration at the lack of control or certainty over the other person’s actions, responses, and the situation itself.

As humans, we crave stability. We want to know what’s coming next and how to prepare for it. But one of the hard truths about conflict is that we rarely, if ever, have control over the other person – their thoughts, actions, or how they engage and the situation as a whole. Our bodies and brains naturally react to chaos with chaos. Stress responses kick in, and before we know it, we’re caught in a cycle of reaction rather than response. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The good news is that we can develop the skills and tools to manage our mindset, behaviour, and approach in conflict, giving us a sense of stability and confidence even in difficult moments. In the midst of conflict, when emotions rise and tensions escalate, this can become a powerful anchor, and a structured approach to working through conflict provides clarity when everything else feels uncertain, offering a steady path forward even in the most challenging moments.

Bodies & brains on auto

When we feel out of control, such as in conflict situations, our body and brain can feel threatened, triggering a stress response that hijacks our ability to think clearly and respond with intention. This is sometimes referred to as an amygdala hijack – a fight-flight-freeze response that increases heart rate, tightens muscles, and releases adrenaline (among other things), priming us for immediate action while overriding rational thinking. Our focus narrows, making it harder to process information, stay present, or respond constructively. This may lead to defensiveness, avoidance, aggression or other reactive or automatic behaviours – which more often than not, are unhelpful. 

In addition, our brain attempts to make sense of the uncertainty, the conflict and the perceived threat it presents. In the absence of clear information, we start filling in the gaps, creating stories about what’s happening and why. We make assumptions, assign blame, and predict worst-case scenarios about the situation, the other person’s intent, and possible future outcomes. Before we know it, we’re reacting not just to the conflict itself, but to the narrative our brain has constructed around it. These stories, shaped by past experiences and emotions, can escalate conflict and make connection, understanding, and a path forward harder to reach.

A framework can calm the chaos

When conflict arises, our natural stress response can quickly pull us into reactive patterns – raising our voice, shutting down, avoiding the issue, or pushing too hard in an authoritarian or aggressive manner. Without a framework or tools to guide us, conflict can spiral, leaving us feeling frustrated, exhausted, disconnected, or unheard.

The PARC framework helps us interrupt automatic responses, adapt, and consciously choose how we experience and engage in conflict, through learning and developing skills to shift our mindset, choose our behaviour, and consider our approach in conflict situations. 

A mindset shift means questioning the stories we tell ourselves, staying open and curious, and grounding ourselves before reacting. Choosing behaviour is about shifting from automatic reactions to conscious, considered responses and action (or inaction). A considered approach is about intentionally choosing how we aim to relate, being deliberate about how we engage, and considering how to connect with meaning.  

A framework helps to steady us, provides a clear process to follow, and skills and tools to use so we can reshape our experience of and approach conflict. A framework doesn’t remove conflict, but it changes how we experience and respond to it, turning it into an opportunity for growth, understanding, and more constructive outcomes. 

The PARC framework: four foundation practices

The PARC framework of pause, acknowledge, reflect, connect – offers an opportunity to step out of reactive patterns and engage with conflict more intentionally.

A pause interrupts automatic responses, creating space to regulate emotions and regain control before reacting. To acknowledge is to recognise our go-to beliefs and behaviours and identify where we want to go, bringing conscious awareness and clear intent to our actions. To reflect is to look inward to understand our triggers, look wide to broaden our perspective, and look across to consider the other person’s experience. Finally, by aiming to and considering how best to  connect we engage with curiosity, empathy, shared understanding and a focus on the future.

Bringing it all together

Conflict is inevitable, but chaos doesn’t have to be. When we understand how our bodies and brains respond to uncertainty, we can interrupt unhelpful patterns and choose a different way forward. 

A clear framework like PARC offers us the steps and tools to stay grounded, shift our mindset, and choose our behaviour and approach – transforming conflict from something to be perceived as a threat into an opportunity for greater understanding, enhanced connection and a workable path for moving forward. 

To learn more about how the PARC Program can help your organisation contact us at:

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